I don’t think that you are exhausted because he left you. Because he did not want you anymore. That he took you out, and invested time in you, just to leave you stranded in your own thoughts. You’re exhausted because it’s the same story every time, different person, same storyline. And every time you say that he is different, you say that he will be the one who will save you. Right? But then, he forgets you, like everyone else, and you are exhausted.
When you think you have a grasp on a situation, never get too comfortable.
Sounds simple. But what do you do when your heart is so big that it never learns. You do not want to be so closed off, but you also don’t want to open your heart too much to where it can get hurt. The art of being forgotten is that you are the one that needs to be saved, and instead you can’t let go. Because you believed him.
When he leaves
Three different shots, and a whole bottle of wine and still no reply. Maybe his phone died, maybe he lost his phone. It doesn’t sound reasonable to jump to such conclusions so quickly. He is not like anyone you have ever met. He showed up on time, he held your hand, he took you out. It was all so very passionate. So, you take another shot, and let the night play out. But then a week goes by. 0 messages from him, and you start to understand that he is becoming distant. It is okay if you try to convince yourself that you will be fine. Your heart becomes a bit heavy, but you continue your days as normal, just with a little less color.
Maybe you even start to shed a tear, but you do not know what has been waiting for you at night. The night that once filled with many lights, has become even duller than the daytime. So, you cry and cry, and cry.
You realize that you cannot stay in denial, that he is forgetting you, leaving you behind.
So, you text him- and erase, and text him, and erase. Maybe you will decide to actually send it, but you realize that there is a distance and a wall that is being built, and you have no intention of breaking it.
***
When its two am
You put on your favorite dress. You do not wear it out. In fact, it’s been living in your closet; a life of nothingness. But that night, it lived. You put it on, and it hugged every inch of your body, and you felt something. You know for the time being you will not wear it anywhere. But you put some music on, and dance to it. You live a dull life, but that dress holds you in place.
When it’s two am, your heart feels the most pain. The world becomes quiet, but your thoughts pound like a heartbeat. Why did he leave, where did he go, why did he leave, where did he go?
A constant.
Because the consistency of him is no longer real. Its what was once. But tonight, it’s just another story, another pain, another tear. Your dress becomes spotted with tears, you immediately take it off. You are not a mess, you are just heartbroken, and it’s okay.
When he forgets about you, you need to remember yourself.
Until something good happens again.
But for now,
You just cry.
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