I dont remember the day where I would grow out of being a kid.
I dont remember my last ignorant laugh, or my innocence for that matter.
You look at me today, and what do you see?
Do you notice my empty stares, my bruised heart? Do you see my stiffness, my obsessions. Do you notice that my heart skips a beat sometimes. What do you see when you look at me?
What can I say right? That everyone has their fuck ups, everyone has their darkness. But not at an age where you cant even drive a car, or drink for that matter. I had a whole childhood, and I could not live within it.
Maybe its right in this moment that I start telling the story of how my best guy friend sexually assaulted me at the age of 13
or how another guy tried to aggressively rape me at the age of 14
My body was never mine. It has felt like its been taken away from me, way before it could fully develop. So in what world could I keep living as a child?
Its hard to live life without ignorance. Because when you see the truth, the world begins to seem dull. There is nothing that seems of joy, and every day seems like a chore. Waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, trying to forget the way his hands were holding you down- and being awake all night. And what is even worse, is that you are aware of everything. You are aware of the solutions, you are aware of how you are effecting your surroundings, but you cannot do anything about it. Because when the trauma hits, your body loses control all over again.
I tend to zone out most of the time. Daydreaming in details, to where it almost feels real. Maybe that’s why I love writing so much. Because I can let out every thought, without having to yell it. Without having to hear my voice crack while it accompanies my tears. Because for once I can fully say my truth.
I do not know how you see me. Maybe you think I am the biggest bitch in the world, maybe you think that I am cold, or you think I am a good soul. But all I want to know is where did my childhood go? Where I learned to take life easier, where I wasn’t so harsh on myself. Maybe then I would stop trying to fit myself into places I do not belong, and stop trying to prove my worth. But every wakening hour I have, all I can think about is them. The monsters, the soul suckers.
ignorance is bliss-
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