All this time, my open wounds tried to bandage itself. It tried to hide its open vulnerability, but nothing would fulfill it. Maybe someone would eventually come and shield it, but it was always temporary. Sometimes I feel like I live a lie, because I am used to hiding within my bandages. But I am here, I promise you. Look deeper, see me.
No one will prepare you for the day when you get raped, and all you could do is comfort your rapist that its okay, that you are okay. That you let him walk you home, and you hug him goodbye, to then later talking about what just happened with your closest friends, and realizing
that you have been raped.
That is the power of the mind. Fight or flight takes action, and as your mind shields you from his hands pulling you down on him, you only then realize that fighting back feels nonetheless impossible. From that day on, I could not feel a damn thing. I could not feel my legs, I could not look in the mirror, I couldn’t take a shower. Its living but feeling dead at the same time. Trying to take back every control of your life, but cant be hugged by your family and closest friends. That is the most inhumane part about being raped. Is that even though they keep you alive, they kill everything else inside of you. And when you come back home, and you cant even hug your parents, you realize that your body no longer trusts anything or anyone.
That is the first stage at least. Because eventually, you begin to let things in too easily. You lose control even more in the hopes to gain it back. You try to find it with every walking thing, you try to feel something, but when you go back home, you still cannot look in the mirror. You do not see yourself. The inner child in you has vanished, and all you are left is with the thought that he is still inside of you.
I looked for comfort, yet I couldn’t let any of it in. But what is strange, is that after my rape, I loved more than I ever had. I started to absorb others emotions that were around me. I could feel every heartbeat of others, I could feel every thought that were going through peoples head. Almost felt like a super power. Knowing that someone would feel something, and I could feel it as well. Its a strange concept, but I became all the love that I wanted in return, but all I got was unavailable men, that were interested in me but were not ready for anything more.
I never looked for myself in men, but I tried to find my control back in them. Because a man took it away from me, A man used his strength against me, so I would look for it back with others.
No one tells you that after you get raped, you can either remain within yourself your whole life, or you lose your control all the way, and you lose sight of your dignity, your self control. Is my head still in flight? The world feels like a game of survival, and I am fighting every day to keep myself alive.
“So can you stay the night?”
No. Because when the morning will come, I will have to leave. Because you are not mine. Because when the morning comes I will say bye to you, and I wont hear or see you for months after. I am not built for that. I do not belong in such a open void. Where I have to question your presence. Because I have no control over it, I have no comfort in any of it.
perspective.
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