Category: Uncategorized

The Month of June

May 20th, 2024

I used to stay awake to thought of you finally remembering that I exist. That you would wake up, hug me, and tell me that it will all be okay. A therapist asked me a very basic question yesterday- How come I am only now coming for help? I looked at him speechless. Because the post trauma of my rape never left, and I have spent years battling it alone, and to me, help was never an option.

I guess it was the new found independence after my body was taken from me. I began to work like crazy, I pushed everything and everyone away. But it was also the pain of admitting it to others. That yes, I got raped. Till this day I am not ready to admit it, but the waves of the flashbacks that come upon me become real and realer. There is no escaping this alone.

Ever since the month of June, I haven’t slept the same. Or maybe at the age of 13 when my best guy friend sexually assaulted me- it all began. But either way, it all falls upon the same articles, the same stories, because in my mind-it still feels blurry.

No one prepares you for this moment. But how could they? This shouldn’t happen. If a person screams ‘no’ loud enough, or their faces becomes expressionless, its no hint, no riddle. Its exactly what it is, and for the other person to ignore it-they are inhumane. There is no sympathy for a rapist-But anyone can be a rapist, even the ones you thought you trusted the most.

I used to cry on guys shoulders without them noticing. You see for a while I couldn’t even hug my only family, let alone let anyone touch me. But than, all I could do was let everyone in. Because in my head, it did not matter anymore. The meaning of the word ‘No’ had no protection over me, and so if I let it happen, than it was it was on my hands. My cold, shaking hands.

When I get to the point where I actually fall in love with someone, it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Because just for a little while, my heart feels something other than emptiness or trauma. My flashbacks are muted by their presence, and I can breathe. So when they leave- It is more than the attachment that gets taken apart, its the peace that I so desperately needed. However loving others is all I know.

People are quick to judge about others who are healing from rape. Because no one knows about the after. Even those who are healing from rape, dont understand it, and begin to shame themselves. You see, in the eyes of the ignorant- after someone gets raped, they are scared and will never touch a human being again. But the reality of it all, is that this statement is false-ignorant for that matter. A person who gets raped most of the time will live life on survival. Their body becomes aware of every movement, every sound, every touch. Perspective says that in the eyes of one who got raped- they will say yes every time, because saying no will just lead to another rape.

The month of June. I was 14 years old.

The month of June- I opened my eyes.

The month of June- I was no longer a child.

Perspective, Open your eyes
I was just a kid

March 24th, 2024

I dont remember the day where I would grow out of being a kid.

I dont remember my last ignorant laugh, or my innocence for that matter.

You look at me today, and what do you see?

Do you notice my empty stares, my bruised heart? Do you see my stiffness, my obsessions. Do you notice that my heart skips a beat sometimes. What do you see when you look at me?

What can I say right? That everyone has their fuck ups, everyone has their darkness. But not at an age where you cant even drive a car, or drink for that matter. I had a whole childhood, and I could not live within it.

Maybe its right in this moment that I start telling the story of how my best guy friend sexually assaulted me at the age of 13

or how another guy tried to aggressively rape me at the age of 14

My body was never mine. It has felt like its been taken away from me, way before it could fully develop. So in what world could I keep living as a child?

Its hard to live life without ignorance. Because when you see the truth, the world begins to seem dull. There is nothing that seems of joy, and every day seems like a chore. Waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, trying to forget the way his hands were holding you down- and being awake all night. And what is even worse, is that you are aware of everything. You are aware of the solutions, you are aware of how you are effecting your surroundings, but you cannot do anything about it. Because when the trauma hits, your body loses control all over again.

I tend to zone out most of the time. Daydreaming in details, to where it almost feels real. Maybe that’s why I love writing so much. Because I can let out every thought, without having to yell it. Without having to hear my voice crack while it accompanies my tears. Because for once I can fully say my truth.

I do not know how you see me. Maybe you think I am the biggest bitch in the world, maybe you think that I am cold, or you think I am a good soul. But all I want to know is where did my childhood go? Where I learned to take life easier, where I wasn’t so harsh on myself. Maybe then I would stop trying to fit myself into places I do not belong, and stop trying to prove my worth. But every wakening hour I have, all I can think about is them. The monsters, the soul suckers.

ignorance is bliss-
The Art of Being Forgotten

February 23rd, 2024

I don’t think that you are exhausted because he left you. Because he did not want you anymore. That he took you out, and invested time in you, just to leave you stranded in your own thoughts. You’re exhausted because it’s the same story every time, different person, same storyline. And every time you say that he is different, you say that he will be the one who will save you. Right? But then, he forgets you, like everyone else, and you are exhausted.

When you think you have a grasp on a situation, never get too comfortable.

Sounds simple. But what do you do when your heart is so big that it never learns. You do not want to be so closed off, but you also don’t want to open your heart too much to where it can get hurt. The art of being forgotten is that you are the one that needs to be saved, and instead you can’t let go. Because you believed him.

When he leaves

Three different shots, and a whole bottle of wine and still no reply. Maybe his phone died, maybe he lost his phone. It doesn’t sound reasonable to jump to such conclusions so quickly. He is not like anyone you have ever met. He showed up on time, he held your hand, he took you out. It was all so very passionate. So, you take another shot, and let the night play out. But then a week goes by. 0 messages from him, and you start to understand that he is becoming distant. It is okay if you try to convince yourself that you will be fine. Your heart becomes a bit heavy, but you continue your days as normal, just with a little less color.

Maybe you even start to shed a tear, but you do not know what has been waiting for you at night. The night that once filled with many lights, has become even duller than the daytime. So, you cry and cry, and cry.

You realize that you cannot stay in denial, that he is forgetting you, leaving you behind.

So, you text him- and erase, and text him, and erase. Maybe you will decide to actually send it, but you realize that there is a distance and a wall that is being built, and you have no intention of breaking it.

***

When its two am

You put on your favorite dress. You do not wear it out. In fact, it’s been living in your closet; a life of nothingness. But that night, it lived. You put it on, and it hugged every inch of your body, and you felt something. You know for the time being you will not wear it anywhere. But you put some music on, and dance to it. You live a dull life, but that dress holds you in place.

When it’s two am, your heart feels the most pain. The world becomes quiet, but your thoughts pound like a heartbeat. Why did he leave, where did he go, why did he leave, where did he go?

A constant.

Because the consistency of him is no longer real. Its what was once. But tonight, it’s just another story, another pain, another tear. Your dress becomes spotted with tears, you immediately take it off. You are not a mess, you are just heartbroken, and it’s okay.

When he forgets about you, you need to remember yourself.

Until something good happens again.

But for now,

You just cry.
the girl in the stars

June 16th, 2023

3:45 pm

in the distance, all you could see is the face of a girl who has lost everything
its a dark night, a dark foggy night to be exact
or at least for her.
You wonder why she walks around so late at night,
what goes on in her head at this time?

as a spiritual being, I feel the presence of every soul around me
I sound like I’m some type of wizard, but the truth is that I have had
too much time to get in touch with my feelings. It is a good and bad
thing to have such ability to fully grasp the energy of others in your
soul, and see what they see through their lens. In some ways, it helps me
set myself apart from others. I may not be part of what society deems normal,
but in other ways I call it my super power.
If I can describe my soul, I would say its a pretty sad soul.
This however does not mean that I am not happy, but my soul just requires a little bit more work to maintain a happy life.
its a conflicting world when you, yourself are a happy a person
but your soul isn’t.
its a constant war between which world will win,
its the confusing appearance of a sad face on a happy person.

she walks with her headphones in, I wonder what shes listening to
i walk up to her, and ask her if shes okay.
she gives me a quick smile and says
“im more than okay, im collecting my energy right now”
such a beautiful thing that she can enjoy the peace of her own silince
such a beautiful thing that while she walks she looks at the world around her
and shes not tied to her phone

I feel like I scare people away when they see how much i love my alone time
sometimes it shows off when I am in a group of people
I tend to zone out
when you are so used to being alone, your thoughts tend to run through your mind all day
constant brain energy never stops, and once you obtain it, you dont want it to leave.
an overthinker will not stop thinking until there is an answer,
therefore curiosity will drive not only the discipline that one can have, but ones mental resilience.
I am always with my headphones in
the world has disappointed me too many times, and all I want to do is listen to the voices that I chose.
when my headphones are in, every problem, every thought is quiet and all I focus on is the song.
music did not only save my life, but it aided me in time when all I had was isolation

All I could do is hold her
I looked into her eyes and it still sparkled
I could see on her face years worth of pain, but she is standing in front of me smiling
and she has the biggest smile in the world.
How can someone so sad, also be the happiest person in the world?
we sit down on a bench that sits next to a park. It is two am, the night sky shines with stars,
a yellow streetlight beams across her face.
I see a tear slowly trickling down her face,
the way she sits on this bench looks like she has been here for years.
she has learned to adjust to the comfort of a wooden seat, with one leg on the bench, and the other flat on the floor.
she gives me her headphone and tells me to listen,

part of a soul who feels so sad, it almost feels like it craves love more than others. passion pumps my blood, but love drives me. I may never understand my thoughts fully, I understand that the love that I can give to the world is my purpose, my mission.

but this is where everything begins to feel foggy.

I want to love, but everyone leaves.

I think I have come to terms with it though. if you want to leave, leave. but I also tend to run away, it is all I know.

isolation is the biggest form of comfort that I have found. You cannot get hurt if you disconnect from everyone, no one can hurt you if you do not let them. But then there is no one to love, there is no one to hold.

the antagonist in my story is myself. No one can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself

I take the earbud out of my ear, and she looks at me waiting for a reaction. It is almost as if its her first time sharing such information about her soul to anyone. She almost looks frightened, scared. But I can tell that the weight on her back is starting to release. She switches positions on the bench, and we both sit in silence.

“I miss the old me” she says

“I dont know who I am anymore ”

she slowly gets up, gives me a sincere look,

and as she walks away, the fog begins to clear.
chapter one

December 25th, 2022
are you awake?

I feel like a stranger, nice to meet you

She walks along the sidewalk
where she feels a slight feeling of discomfort
she can gravitate to the sound of music that plays among the streets
to which the different aromas tickles her nose

she can feel there is a sense of home with every touch, every look. the world around her is lit up with the presence of love and opportunity

yet it is almost too close to comfort
she feels almost like a stranger
“nice to meet you” she says

does your heart pulse?

what is this new home, what is home?
the thoughts fill her mind up, as if she has just been reborn
the senses are so familiar, yet the way her eyes sparkle to the moonlight
the way every step she takes vibrates throughout her body

she is a stranger to happiness, will she ever understand it?

INHALE, EXHALE

it’s a miracle the way she can feel every motion in her body
and fall in love with it again
or rather understanding how beautiful healing is
you can be in a state of sadness for so long
that being a stranger is all you know

she greets the odd feeling with a smile –yet the feeling is still very calm, pleasant

you are stepping out of your body
something out of the ordinary
and you meet yourself all over again

you learn to love the late night walks at night, disconnected from the internet and are present on living. noticing every turn you take, every person you meet, every star that shines above you. the night life is beyond what any of us can really comprehend. Our souls attract the most liveliness at night, we become our true forms. dressing in beautiful silky dresses, painting the town. We accept that the day is over, but we understand the beauty of the moonlight.

MIND IS A BEAUTIFUL MESS.

she walks along the sidewalk

and all you can hear is the way her breath fades into the background

her heart is a silhouette dancing, accepting the feeling of discomfort

she patches up every shattered or scratched peices of her love
and this is just the start….

PERSPECTIVE. ARE YOU AWAKE?
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