Tag: perspective

20:47

August 31st, 2024

when I left home, I thought I could leave every dirty footprint across every street in my neighborhood, and leave every trace of my existence so that I could create a new one. I wanted a world where he hadn’t touched me, or a world in which I could open my eyes every morning and want to experience every minute of it awake.

I dont remember the last time anyone I loved ever truly loved me back. Sometimes I wonder if this is my reality, because to me it feels concrete. I feel that you get to close, and you notice that my eyes dont sparkle the same like others, and you leave. Or you take me for a child because I too want to leave myself at times. Maybe distance is my manifestation because I dont want to hurt you, or anyone for that matter.

I dont think sensitive is the word to describe myself, I wish you could see through my eyes how I see the world-so that you could understand why I can spot every beautiful flower around me, yet notice everything that died surrounding it. I wish you could understand that every tear that falls I feel it, and every lie I sense it. I could dance to your music for hours, and I can enjoy the sun-but I will always be waiting for the sun to go down.

I can feel your distance

Sometimes I wonder why I let a stranger hold me- just to disappear. I got to know you, and I got to forget you. strangely, it was the only way I could feel love for a while, because you could see every scar on my body yet never notice the tears falling from my eyes, and we never had to talk about it. It was my choice this time, I wanted it,

every word that spills out of me is nothing but a mere cry for change, but change cannot happen where no matter who I meet, or who I love leaves. I understand that at times I get silent, or form words together that don’t make sense. But I just want for once to be seen without having to explain why I wasn’t ready to keep looking at the same streets through my neighborhood or why my shoes were dirty.

perspective.
Sleeping Through Your Alarms

June 1st, 2024

I always wondered what it is about people who find the love of their lives. The people who can fall in love, deeply, and without any hesitation and just accept it. I dreamt of that my whole life. Not the movie theater type love, where a princess finds her prince and they lived happily ever after. In some deep-twisted way, I always dreamt of meeting someone who was just as broken as i am. Because maybe in all the dark and twisted things in my life, my love wont judge me.

Not everyone is lucky enough to live a life without a mental illness. Could it be todays society where the media feeds us depression, and we eat it from a metal spoon? Or is it solely based on if our parents fuck up our childhoods. But we cant blame them, right? I always think back to my childhood traumas, but when it comes down to it, would I have been any better to my children?Our parents are growing with us, and we are a byproduct of their mistakes. But with my 3 am thoughts, that accompany my insomnia- you are taught love at home, and with that, there is no arguing.

it is three am and I woke up to your arms wrapped around me. I felt comfort, because in that moment I felt you. I feel you when you look into my eyes, when you make me laugh, and when I get so nervous around you that my heart beats a little faster. I dont know that if we ever got together, that we would be the right match, but I hate when the sun comes out because I know you are leaving, and it will be a while until ill be able to feel you again.

I hate the feeling of temporary. Where I meet you, and you love me, and you show me every part of your world. To which you take my hand and we begin to dance in the sight of the stars, and we have no idea where we are, and how we continue to get lost over and over again, without ever reaching our intended destination. But we never needed a location, we just loved the company of each other.

And then you get bored of me. And slowly, you become a stranger, just like everyone else.

I wish you stayed-my insomnia
The Month of June

May 20th, 2024

I used to stay awake to thought of you finally remembering that I exist. That you would wake up, hug me, and tell me that it will all be okay. A therapist asked me a very basic question yesterday- How come I am only now coming for help? I looked at him speechless. Because the post trauma of my rape never left, and I have spent years battling it alone, and to me, help was never an option.

I guess it was the new found independence after my body was taken from me. I began to work like crazy, I pushed everything and everyone away. But it was also the pain of admitting it to others. That yes, I got raped. Till this day I am not ready to admit it, but the waves of the flashbacks that come upon me become real and realer. There is no escaping this alone.

Ever since the month of June, I haven’t slept the same. Or maybe at the age of 13 when my best guy friend sexually assaulted me- it all began. But either way, it all falls upon the same articles, the same stories, because in my mind-it still feels blurry.

No one prepares you for this moment. But how could they? This shouldn’t happen. If a person screams ‘no’ loud enough, or their faces becomes expressionless, its no hint, no riddle. Its exactly what it is, and for the other person to ignore it-they are inhumane. There is no sympathy for a rapist-But anyone can be a rapist, even the ones you thought you trusted the most.

I used to cry on guys shoulders without them noticing. You see for a while I couldn’t even hug my only family, let alone let anyone touch me. But than, all I could do was let everyone in. Because in my head, it did not matter anymore. The meaning of the word ‘No’ had no protection over me, and so if I let it happen, than it was it was on my hands. My cold, shaking hands.

When I get to the point where I actually fall in love with someone, it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Because just for a little while, my heart feels something other than emptiness or trauma. My flashbacks are muted by their presence, and I can breathe. So when they leave- It is more than the attachment that gets taken apart, its the peace that I so desperately needed. However loving others is all I know.

People are quick to judge about others who are healing from rape. Because no one knows about the after. Even those who are healing from rape, dont understand it, and begin to shame themselves. You see, in the eyes of the ignorant- after someone gets raped, they are scared and will never touch a human being again. But the reality of it all, is that this statement is false-ignorant for that matter. A person who gets raped most of the time will live life on survival. Their body becomes aware of every movement, every sound, every touch. Perspective says that in the eyes of one who got raped- they will say yes every time, because saying no will just lead to another rape.

The month of June. I was 14 years old.

The month of June- I opened my eyes.

The month of June- I was no longer a child.

Perspective, Open your eyes
Why I cant stay the night

April 29th, 2024

All this time, my open wounds tried to bandage itself. It tried to hide its open vulnerability, but nothing would fulfill it. Maybe someone would eventually come and shield it, but it was always temporary. Sometimes I feel like I live a lie, because I am used to hiding within my bandages. But I am here, I promise you. Look deeper, see me.

No one will prepare you for the day when you get raped, and all you could do is comfort your rapist that its okay, that you are okay. That you let him walk you home, and you hug him goodbye, to then later talking about what just happened with your closest friends, and realizing

that you have been raped.

That is the power of the mind. Fight or flight takes action, and as your mind shields you from his hands pulling you down on him, you only then realize that fighting back feels nonetheless impossible. From that day on, I could not feel a damn thing. I could not feel my legs, I could not look in the mirror, I couldn’t take a shower. Its living but feeling dead at the same time. Trying to take back every control of your life, but cant be hugged by your family and closest friends. That is the most inhumane part about being raped. Is that even though they keep you alive, they kill everything else inside of you. And when you come back home, and you cant even hug your parents, you realize that your body no longer trusts anything or anyone.

That is the first stage at least. Because eventually, you begin to let things in too easily. You lose control even more in the hopes to gain it back. You try to find it with every walking thing, you try to feel something, but when you go back home, you still cannot look in the mirror. You do not see yourself. The inner child in you has vanished, and all you are left is with the thought that he is still inside of you.

I looked for comfort, yet I couldn’t let any of it in. But what is strange, is that after my rape, I loved more than I ever had. I started to absorb others emotions that were around me. I could feel every heartbeat of others, I could feel every thought that were going through peoples head. Almost felt like a super power. Knowing that someone would feel something, and I could feel it as well. Its a strange concept, but I became all the love that I wanted in return, but all I got was unavailable men, that were interested in me but were not ready for anything more.

I never looked for myself in men, but I tried to find my control back in them. Because a man took it away from me, A man used his strength against me, so I would look for it back with others.

No one tells you that after you get raped, you can either remain within yourself your whole life, or you lose your control all the way, and you lose sight of your dignity, your self control. Is my head still in flight? The world feels like a game of survival, and I am fighting every day to keep myself alive.

“So can you stay the night?”

No. Because when the morning will come, I will have to leave. Because you are not mine. Because when the morning comes I will say bye to you, and I wont hear or see you for months after. I am not built for that. I do not belong in such a open void. Where I have to question your presence. Because I have no control over it, I have no comfort in any of it.

perspective.

Tag: perspective

20:47

Sleeping Through Your Alarms

The Month of June

Why I cant stay the night